Letters From Marik
by AmiLearntobeLonely
Summary: HIATUS.  Bakura settles into his lonely life as a soul inside Ryou's body, brooding about Ra-knows-what.  A sexy tan tomb keeper cuts into his life with a simple letter. Rated K  for now.
1. Chapter 1

A/N- A combined crack fic between Whirlpoolofmadness and I. Look at her profile!" We have tons of other comedy collaboration fics, too, but not many of them are visible to you. We are so bad at posting fanfics we write. Anyways, Bakura is me, and Marik is her. I guess you could call it theifshipping...maybe. We'll see how this letter thing works out, 'cause we haven't really planned anything out.

Bakura,

As you know, I had to move back to Egypt with my brother and sister because I'm apparently, _too young to live on my own. _ I'm just going to tell you right straight out that I don't have many friends here, so I thought becoming pen pals with you would be a good idea. Well, we are still friends, right? Oh well, I used my Millennium Rod to control the post office so I can get this letter over to Japan really fast. Who could have guessed that every post office person is named Steve?

So, how is life? Tell me about Ryou, how is he? Are you two still having issues with sharing the same body? I know how the mind-link can get annoying at times. Trust me Melvin is a little odd like when I'm trying to solve a problem and then there is a chainsaw option in my head.

So, Melvin is still in my mind. He is apparently hurt though from the last shadow game to take a physical state in my body, but I'm a little like Ryou being a host and all. I think it is sort of cool. Since Melvin allows me to never be lonely and he tells me how to throw great pranks in Aishizu's museum. Oh yeah! You probably don't know. Aishizu has her own museum now, right here in Egypt. I get to be a tour guide. It is good for some cash since I'm saving up to buy a computer so we can talk over webcams or something. Or maybe a ticket back to Japan, then I wouldn't have to live in this friggin house in Egypt, though that probably won't be for a while with my rate of income. I have actually turned to stealing young children's allowances so I think it might work.

As for Odion, he opened a laundry place. I think it ironic being that he shrinks all of my clothes. You don't think I actually want to show my midriff, do you?

I hope you write back soon. I'm rather bored. I guess I'll just stare at this sand dune out my window… You probably won't believe me, but I think it is moving…

Your official BFF as of now,

Marik Sebastian Ishtar III

P.S. To send a return letter, you are going to need at least twenty stamps.

P.S.S. So… How many P.S.'s does it take before I annoy you?


	2. Dear, Git

A/N - Collaborated fanfic between me and Whirlpoolofmadness! Okay, so both of us are American...but we love British accents OH SO MUCH! However, we're not very good with the slang up there in England...so please do not take our perception of British slang in any way offensive. Thanks :) Oh, and for the slang we included in here, I found it on a website somewhere. Again, please don't take offense...and if you have any advice, please PM one of us! Thank you so much, CocoaDance, for the advice and my first review. I shall love you forever!

Git,

Why in bloody Ra would I want to be pen pals with you? I-

_Hello Marik, I'm so glad you're writing Bakura, he gets lonely sometimes, though he is loathe to admit it. I'm great, thanks for asking. We are great friends, and he's hardly hurting me at all anymore-_

Forget you saw any of that. Ryou is still the annoying pipsqueak he has always been. Life is fantastic. I have all the silence a hermit could want- at least, when Ryou is shut up in his soul room. The place I currently live in has plenty of ignorant fools to steal from- though as you do not know where that is, I have no idea how you managed to get your stupid letter to me. Your excuses are just a bunch of malarkey. You love showing your midriff and probably wish you could have it off with dodgy mingers. I'm sure you will be a proper disaster with your new occupation, and Aishizu will finally put you in a mental institution for all the crap she puts up with from you.


	3. Dear, Fluffy

A/N- Collaborated fanfic between me and Whirlpoolofmadness! I hope we're portraying the characters well enough...because towards the end it just might get a little OOC. Well, their characters follow Little Kuriboh's perception of them more so than the actual writer of Yu-Gi-Oh. Anyone want to see this continue? Please review! I will give you a cookie!

_EDIT: Marik now has an email in reality. Not in this fanfic, but in reality. He would love some emails, as very few people email him daily. This is his email: betterthanbakura at gmail dot com. I do wish emails and links would show up properly..._

Dear Fluffy,

Well, it is about time you wrote back. I thought you didn't get the letter I sent you! I actually punished several Steve servant peoples for it so… I guess I'll be writing some apologies later for their close family and friends.

Alright, so… I just wish to inform you that your paragraph that you sent me can sometimes not be considered a letter. I mean you didn't even sign it! NO SiGnaTUre! I mean its times like these that I wonder if you were dropped on your head repeatedly as a baby. I mean I understand completely if you were since it is not your fault. I mean, you were raised by thieves who probably cared more about...thief stuff than taking care of their offspring.

Now… I can't exactly understand your letter. I mean, "malarkey?" And what the friggin' frig is a "git?" Geez Bakura, you know I don't understand British! It just doesn't seem fair, you know so many languages! British, Japanese, English, AND Egyptian… any other languages you would like to enlighten me with? All, I know is Japanese, Egyptian and French! That just isn't fair! Well, I guess I'll just answer the parts I understand and… pretend the rest is very nice compliments about my charismatic looks. You know I'm pretty.

Okay, so you're a hermit. Well, I never thought you would get _that_ lonely. Bakura, I pity you. You probably cry yourself to sleep. Actually, no, cross the "I pity you" line. I pity Ryou. You live inside him with your loneliness and anti-social atmosphere. You're just a constant downer living in an optimist. It's rather ironic if you ask me. Or Aishizu, she is helping me with my vocabulary skills. I never knew that huge words existed! Also, I got me a computer! I want an e-mail so bad… Aishizu says that getting an e-mail would end up like when she gave me a cell phone. I was so excited that I gave my phone number out to everybody and now I get calls from strangers. Odion says I deserved it so I unplugged the cable on our TV. No Gummy Bears for him! Ha ha ha! I'm so evil it hurts!

**This part is for Ryou! No lookies! If you look I'll know because… I have a Steve watching you! **

Does Bakura still have a bad fashion sense? I mean, he wears T-Shirts and jeans all the time! I am glad to know you're okay. Also, since Bakura has stopped being a big meanie, I bought a cake! I was going to send you a piece but the post office would not allow. Even under mind control, man are they STRICT! Though this brought up a question, when you take control, do you ever taste anything Bakura was eating? Or does Bakura taste anything you were eating? Or if you and Bakura wanted something to eat, do you have to get two helpings so you both can have some? I mean it just seems rather funny, asking for two of certain foods so the spirit possessing you can have some too.

**Bakura can now read this part.**

I wanted to finish by saying that you are the best pen-pal ever! I mean, whenever I get tired of your nonsense, I can talk to Ryou! It's like having two pen-pals but they live in the same house and share mail.

The best person in the world,

Marik Sebastian Ishtar III


	4. Dear, Idiot

A/N- Collaborated fanfic between me and Whirlpoolofmadness! I feel that Bakura gets a little OOC towards the end, but oh, well. Sorry for taking a month or so to reply, we've been really busy lately. Please review! Oh, and thank you so much for the reviews we've gotten from

"Idiot!" Bakura hissed as he slammed the door of his apartment. He clutched his head, growling in anger at the stubborn Hikari.

"Come now, Bakura, you know Marik has been waiting long enough! It's very rude not to answer his letter," Ryou scolded. Another minute went by to gain control of the body, and then the Thief King's soul sprung backwards into his soul room.

"How _dare _you!" Bakura howled, beating at the sturdy walls around his soul room. "_I_ am in charge! Not you!"

"You old man," Ryou laughed. "You wouldn't hurt me-you stopped that a long time ago."

"I could easily start again, fool!" He snarled back. Ryou shrugged.

"You don't scare me anymore, old man. And you aren't going to be rude to Marik anymore. He can't help it if he's special in the head." Ryou sat down at the small desk in the corner of the room and pulled some stationary out of the desk drawer.

"Wait, wait, wait! Since when do I have stationary?"

Ryou rolled his eyes. "I got it for you when I found out Marik had been writing you." Bakura crossed his arms and scowled.

"I _refuse_ to write on petty _stationary._"

"Fine, fine, but I'd love to see Marik's face if he got _stationary_ from you. But you aren't getting out of this- you _are _writing this letter."

"Get me regular paper first." the Thief King narrowed his eyes.

_Idiot, _

_I don't know why you expect me to write back immediately. I don't know why I'm writing back at all, really. Fool. Writing a letter to you is a waste of my time and money for postage stamps! _

"Bakura, you don't buy postage stamps., you steal them..." Ryou pointed out from his soul room.

"I don't care! Let me write it my way or I won't write it at all!"

_Stop whining about there being no signature. You're lucky I wrote back with over 3 words. I could have written; 'Git, Go Away.' But I didn't. I gave you a long response- long meaning I took two minutes out of my busy day to write to you and you, ungrateful fool that you are, complain! As for other languages I know, I know many more than you could ever dream of, or count, for that matter...including Mandarin Chinese and Norwegian._

_I have no idea why your fool of a sister allowed you to get a computer- that's a bad idea inside a bad idea. Did you really think I would not read the last part of the letter just because you say, "No 'lookies,' Bakura." You're the one who got dropped on your head as a young child. I don't care if you laugh at my sense of fashion- it's certainly more fashionable than pink shirts that show your midriff. _

_Ps. -This is Ryou. I stole the letter right before he put it in the mailbox so I could address the rest of your letter, Marik. As long as we are still connected by our soul bond, the food he digests also satisfies me, which is sometimes unfortunate, if you've ever seen what he eats. He eats more like a rabid bear than a human! Still, he's on his good behavior lately. I'll try to get him to write back quicker next time! _

_~Ryou and Bakura_


	5. Dear, Snowface

A/N- Collaborated fic with Whirlpool! Here's another update! In the same day, too! Thank you for all our reviews so far.

Marik was in his room. Sitting on the bed, bored out of his wits. It was a weekend, so he had no work and there were only so many laps one could do on an obligatory anime motorcycle around Cairo before officers became suspicious. Suddenly, three sharp knocks sounded at his bedroom door and Marik sprung off his silky, purple bed sheets, swinging open the door much like a five-year-old would open the door to his parent's room on Christmas morning. Odion stood there and Marik's face dropped, "Oh, hi Odion, I thought one of my Steves came…"

Odion rolled his eyes in annoyance but continued anyways, "Well, Master Marik, a Steve did come with this." He held out a hand and upon it rested the crumpled up faded white envelope Marik had been anticipating for.

The blond headed Egyptian snatched the letter from his adopted brother's hands and slammed the door in his face. Where his eyes widened in size and he opened the door once more to find Odion kneeling with his hands covering a bloody nose, probably broken by the looks of it. "Thanks for the letter Odion!" He announced before slamming the door once more and adding, "You better not bleed on the carpet, Aishizu wouldn't like that!"

Dear Snowface,

I have been waiting two months for your letter, mister! What is wrong with this picture? TWO MONTHS, BAKURA! TWO FRIGGIN MONTHS! I bet if I started sending you Millennium Items, you would write back sooner to get them.

So, if you really don't want to pay for postage stamps, did it occur to you that maybe you could steal them? If you really were a thief king like you told me, I thought you would do that by now…

Well a signature is very necessary, Bakura! It is the way for pen pals to compete over whose signature is better! Or, at least I think that is what it is. But, two minutes? Busy? Bakura, you're not busy! I should know I've been with you back at the Evil Council Meetings; you even fell asleep at one! You're never busy, unless sleep is what spirits who crave revenge are really craving… Also, about these languages, WHY DO YOU KNOW SO MANY? That should be illegal or something. And Norwegian? Why?

I like my computer very much and I thought at least you would like it because then you don't have to read my handwriting! I remember back in Evil Council you once wrote stuff because you can't stand my handwriting!

I don't believe you have any right to insult my fashion sense because yours sucks!

Also, tell Ryou, thanks for signing the letter. Bakura, you should also stop eating like a beast too! You may be immortal, but that doesn't mean you have to gross out your host!

Still better than you will ever dream to be,

Marik Sebastian Ishtar III


	6. Dear, Readers

A/N- Dear beloved readers,

I'm sorry to say that all my fanfics will hereby be discontinued. For personal reasons and the fact that I can't log on my computer, I must leave for an unknown time period. The fics I've been working on with Whirlpoolofmadness will be continued on her profile, if she wants to continue writing them by herself. Thank you so much for sticking with us. And please go read her other stories, she's got a great head on her shoulders.

Signing out, Ami.


End file.
